


Even In Death

by remember_me_for_centuries



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Dead Kylo, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond, POV Rey (Star Wars), Reylo - Freeform, Romantic Tension, Slow Burn, THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, also Leia is sad, and Rey is sad, ayyyy ben is cute, i'll probably put a bit of stormpilot in as well, idk - Freeform, kind of redemption arc, sorry space mom i killed ur son, spoilers for ep VII, sweary sweary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-19 07:11:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7351066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remember_me_for_centuries/pseuds/remember_me_for_centuries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren is dead, the First Order is beginning to crumble, and everyone is rejoicing - there might finally be peace in the galaxy and balance in the Force.  Everything is looking positive for the Resistance.</p><p>But Rey is devastated.  She's reliving her memories with Kylo, looking back at their relationship and his journey from the terrifying monster that was Kylo Ren, to her lover and best friend Ben Solo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Emptiness

**Author's Note:**

> hey! so this is my second reylo fanfiction and I hope you like it, I'm working really hard on this one ^.^

Every time the door slides shut, I look up.  

_Maybe this time it's him,_ I always think, and then my heart breaks a little more when he fails to appear.  Thankfully, it's only Jessika who sees it happen.  She is sitting beside me, watching me and frowning, occasionally patting my back or resting her hand on my knee in a kind of sympathetic, I'm-here-for-you way; I just force an unnatural smile at the ground and nod a half-assed 'thank you'.

She's trying to help.  She's the only one who understands what I'm going through, and she's doing her best to keep me sane, but it's not enough.  I hate to say it, but she just doesn't fill that void of loneliness the way he does.  The way he  _did_.  No...that word feels wrong...I don't like describing him in the past tense.  He  _is_ , and he always will be.  Even in death, his soul lives on, in me and everything I see.  I'll never truly lose him, I believe that.  I can feel his presence all the time, even now, and I'm just waiting for him to materialise in front of me and take me out of this hell.

Of course, he never does.

I keep slipping into the past, remembering him from the moment we met to the moment we parted.  I spend hours at a time analysing each memory and replaying it again and again, just to see his face and his smile and the life in his eyes.  Of course, the nostalgia isn't as accurate as the actual event, but it's good enough.  I try to restrict myself to only doing this in my quarters, out of the glare of the Resistance.  They'd find it a bit strange for a Jedi to be mourning the loss of a Knight of Ren.

The Resistance, they're in full party mode.  As soon as the pilots came back, as soon as Poe jumped out of his X-wing, the morale was boosted and the celebration started.  Of course, Leia didn't take part.  I've been visiting her often, just to make sure she's alright - which of course she isn't - and to just sit with her.  She's doing exactly the same thing I am, but she has less positive memories of her son than I do.  She hasn't left her quarters for a few weeks now - I bring her food when I visit, but she hardly eats any more. She's fought too hard and lost too much - she couldn't stay strong forever.  I'd like to say I'm supporting her, but I don't know if that's true.  I'm trying, though.  It's harder to comfort someone when you're secretly mourning the same person they are.

"Rey, come back to me."  

I jump a little as I'm sharply pulled back into reality.  I glance over at Jess, who has her hand on my shoulder, her eyes wide with concern, and I give her a sad smile.  "I'm back." It doesn't even come out as a mumble - it's more of a whisper.  She sighs and nods, letting her hand fall from my shoulder as she sits back in her chair and brings her legs up to cross them.

"I think Poe's going to be here in a minute.  We don't have to stay if you don't want to - you know what he's like.  He'll want to talk about the attack."  
"Yeah."  
"Do you want to go back to your quarters for a bit?  I don't think General Organa remembers she's supposed to be giving a talk today.  I'm sure she won't mind if we just leave."  
"Okay."  I smile and nod, but it feels unnatural and my face falls back into that same old sad expression as we stand up.  Half of the pilots have left as well - Leia won't give the congratulatory talk today.  I'll visit her later on, check up on her and make sure she's eaten today.

-

When we reach my room, I feel my eyes burning with tears.  My quarters feel empty.  My eyes fall to the chair in the corner where Ben used to sit, reading or meditating until I fell asleep, just so I didn't have to fall asleep alone.  He could never stay overnight - the risk of being caught was too high.  But I didn't mind - he was always the last thing I saw before I fell asleep, and that made me so happy.

No wonder I haven't slept a wink in the few nights he's been gone.

Jessika walks over to my bed - a small bunk in the corner with a little wooden table next to it.  It's practically overflowing with books and scrawlings on bits of paper and parts of the alarm clock I dismantled yesterday.  Everything's so messy now; normally it was Ben who kept things clean.  He liked tidiness, but I never really cared for it.  Now, my room looks like a warzone.

She sits down and nods to the space beside her, indicating for me to sit too.  My legs feel shaky as I walk on them, and as I sink down into the mattress I feel my eyes water. Everything just feels  _wrong_ without him here.  It's too dark, too quiet, too cold.  Even with Jess here, sitting right beside me, I feel so alone.

"Do you want to talk to me, Rey?" she calmly offers, her voice soft and gentle.  I'm going to fall apart, I can tell, and I half nod as my eyes prick and sting with tears wanting to fall.  I open my mouth to start a conversation, but I haven't even said the first word when the hot tears spill and run down the curve of my cheek.  She lets out a quiet 'oh' before she hugs me, and I just weep pathetically into her chest, holding her to me in case she disappears, in case she leaves me too.

"Hey, it's okay...you're okay," she mumbles into my ear soothingly, helping me sit up and wiping the tears from my cheek.  She gives me a sympathetic smile as she keeps one arm around my shoulders, and I quickly try to compose myself.  "We don't have to talk about him-"  
"I want to.  I...I want to talk about him," I stutter, and she nods.  
"Okay.  Start from the beginning - tell me how you guys met," she encourages, and I wipe my eyes like a child and nod.  "Start with that, and then tell me every single thing that happened from then up until last week.  Sound good?"  
"Yeah," I say with a smile.  Jess likes knowing things - she loves gossiping about things like this, gathering information even if it is entirely useless and redundant.  Normally I'd be reluctant, but I just want to talk about him to someone.  And Jess is a good listener.

"Okay.  Where is the beginning?"  
"Uh...the forest on Takodana."

So I start to tell her about the first time I ever saw Kylo.  Masked, terrifying, but still Kylo.

My Kylo.  My Ben.

God, I miss him so damn much.


	2. Takodana

My memory of Takodana is still one of mystery to me.  I never truly understood my vision – even after I told Ben about it, he had no idea.  I don’t want to ask Luke – he might see some hidden meaning to it, accidentally uncover my love for his late nephew.   That’s the last thing I need right now.

But despite that uncertainty, I fondly remember the planet.  I’d never seen so much green in one place – up until then, I’d only ever seen that vibrant colour in the tiny plants that grew amongst the grains of sand on Jakku, and even they were more brown than green.  But these trees…they were every single shade of life, and the beauty of it rendered me nearly speechless.  The lakes astounded me; again, water was never found in lakes or rivers or even puddles on Jakku.  The only source of water was in Niima Outpost in a water pump for the scavengers and the traders, or in a circular pool for the Happabores to drink from.  That water is rancid – the only human stupid enough to drink from it was Finn, but he was desperate.

Maz’s castle was a wonder in itself.  A massive stone construction with towers and a huge sculpture of her above the old wooden doorway, coloured flags hanging from ropes as the four of us walked/rolled down the paved path.   That was our first indication that Maz had run the place for a long time – nothing looked new, but it still looked beautiful and sturdy and bizarrely, safe.  A watering hole for thousands of different species and droids, all chatting and drinking and gambling in the welcoming atmosphere…it was almost the polar opposite of the silence and tension of Niima Outpost.  Although, in a bar of people that size, there was bound to be a First Order informant; thankfully there was a Resistance droid as well.

I asked Ben a few months after the battle of Takodana why he destroyed that castle.  My heart broke a little when I returned from the depths of the forest to see the TIE fighters tearing the elegant towers down, smashing the statue, slaughtering the locals and reducing everything to rubble.  I’d forgotten that Kylo arrived after the destruction had begun – he explained that he didn’t lead those troopers.  Phasma and Hux had given them orders to tear the place apart and retrieve the droid, and Kylo was angered by their foolishness.  

 _“We were looking for a device no bigger than your little finger, and they were blowing the place up!”_ he told me, still baffled by their idiocy. _“What were they planning on doing if your droid was still inside?  The rubble would have crushed him and the map.  It’s lucky the two of you left when you did.”_

But I think BB-8 would have survived anyway.  The droid was full of surprises – when I ran, I ran for a long time.  I didn’t stop until my legs were burning and cramping and my lungs couldn’t take the strain any longer, and even then I didn’t plan to stop for long.  But there he was, beeping away behind me as if he’d followed me taking a leisurely stroll.

At the time, I was annoyed that he hadn’t just stayed in Maz’s castle, but upon reflection it was better that he was with me.  It meant I could send him off in any given direction and know he would survive, whereas Finn or Han would have had their doubts.

I’ll admit, I was scared when Kylo caught me.  I was scared of him, and I was scared that BB-8 could have been caught as well.  But, at the same time, it gave me some hope – if I died there, the map could still be retrieved and Skywalker could still be found.

Of course, Ben and I looked back on our first meeting together a few months into our relationship.  We were in his quarters on the Finalizer, on a sleek black leather sofa facing a fireplace.  I was sitting cross legged with my back to him while he played with my hair, fixing it up in elaborate styles his mother showed him when he was younger. 

 _“Were you scared of me?”_ he’d asked, braiding one side of my hair.  
_“Of course I was, you’d frozen me in place and held a lightsaber to my neck!”_  
“ _You knew I wouldn’t hurt you, though…”_  
 _“Babe, you went into my mind and hurt me about thirty seconds later,"_  I laughed.  We both knew Kylo used to really beat himself up over that – both times he entered my mind, and the one time I entered his.  Since then, we’d vowed never to do it again, and now we could look back and laugh.

 _“I think I was scared of you,"_ he confessed, and I just giggled.  
_“How?  You had literally frozen me in place, what did you think I was going to do?”  
“I don’t know…I was scared of girls in general.  Have you ever met Phasma?  Cause she’s fucking terrifying.  You reminded me a little bit of her.” _

I liked it when Ben and I had conversations like that.  Especially if he cursed – swearing was not tolerated in the First Order, even amongst the higher ranks.  He only swore when he was really comfortable around someone, and it always made me so happy that he trusted me like that.

“Rey, you’ve gone off topic,” Jessika reminds me.  I’ve almost forgotten I’m talking to her.  I snap out of the dream-like trance and look at her – she’s smiling at me.  “You were on Takodana, he froze you in place, and…”  She waves her hand, motioning for me to carry on the story.

It’s not a difficult memory to recall correctly.  Nostalgia has tinted everything else, made it all look much happier, romantic and exciting, when in reality I was terrified.  I was on a new planet with people I’d known for less than two days, in charge of a droid that would most likely get me killed or worse.  The nostalgia makes it more pleasant to remember, though.  However, nothing could be done to romanticise or improve the memory of my first meeting with Kylo.

I’d shot at him when he brandished that unstable, flame-like lightsaber, but I was no match for him.  He easily drove me back, further into the forest, and even when my scavenger reflexes kicked in and I climbed up a rock to escape him, it wasn’t enough.  He was just messing with me, letting me believe I had a chance to defeat him, letting me fire at him and empty my gun of ammunition into his lightsaber, until eventually he’d had enough and raised his hand, and suddenly I was frozen to the ground.

I can’t describe the fear I felt.  Without touching me, or even being anywhere near me, he’d pushed my arm down, holding it by my side with my gun, my only weapon, hanging uselessly by my leg.  I struggled against the grip he had on me, but it was as if I was being held in ice.  No matter how hard I tried to escape, I just couldn’t move.

And then he started to walk towards me, took a second to look at me and assess me – all in silence, aside from the hissing and spitting of his unruly lightsaber – before he spoke.  _“The girl I’ve heard so much about.”_   His voice was metallic, heavily distorted, almost unintelligible.  I thought he was a robot, and that terrified me – robots generally don’t have morals.  Certainly not First Order robots, six foot tall with lightsabers.  I made a mental note to be very careful with what I said, to not infuriate this potentially dangerous machine, but throughout the entire exchange I didn’t breathe a word.

He kept walking, angry and dominant in his strides, until he stood behind me.  I remember thinking _maybe he’ll just leave, maybe he knows I’m of no use to him…_ but then he spoke again.  _“The droid…”_   he uttered, turning back to face me and raising his arm again, this time bringing his lightsaber up to me.  I drew in a sharp, jagged breath as the beam stopped not an inch from my bare neck, sparks flying off and dancing against my skin as the red illuminated my face.   _“…where is it?”_

I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think, the blade was so close to my neck.  I didn’t know if he would kill me if I said something wrong, so I didn’t say anything at all.  I just let out long shaky breaths as he watched me, observing my straining against his hold on my entire body.  Eventually he paced around to face me again, standing in front of me.  He stared at me for a long time, the eerie black space in the eyeholes of his mask glaring through me.  He stayed like that for ages, just watching me, taking in every twitch and movement of my face.

 _“Yeah, I really wasn’t good with women.  I just wanted to get a good look at you, and I didn’t have any discreet ways of doing it,"_ he later explained.  _“If I’m honest, I just wanted to watch at you.  You’re very beautiful, Rey – I would have spent far longer staring if there wasn’t a hugely important droid on the loose.”_

So eventually he stopped, and he raised his hand.  He held it right in front of my face, and for the first time, I realised he was shaking.  Why was he nervous?  I was the vulnerable one.

His hand waved a little before my eyes, and then I felt a sharp stab in the centre of my head.  To this day, I still can’t describe the pain – agony doesn’t even come close.  I nearly cried, but I was stubborn, too stubborn to give him the satisfaction of seeing me in pain.  So I just squeezed my eyes shut and used every ounce of strength I had to fight against the invisible restraints that held me still.

_“The map…you’ve seen it…”_

My heart stopped.  I was truly terrified, I didn’t understand how he could simply take that from my head.  I thought that meant the end for me – he had what he was looking for, and I had failed the Resistance.

But thankfully, as soon as the words had left his lips, or robotic mouthpiece, the pain subsided.  It was so strange – normally, an injury has an aftermath.  Whenever I fell from a wreck on Jakku, I’d know the chances of death had increased tenfold, as after the initial pain comes the bruises, or the aches, and everything would still hurt as if the injury was fresh.  But with his invasion of my mind, the pain vanished without a trace.  Not a headache of any kind was left behind, and the relief was incredible.  I could have cried  in happiness – again, I was too stubborn.

He went to raise his hand again, and I held my breath in anticipation.  I thought I was going to die – I couldn’t take another second of that pain.  I felt my heart get faster, eyes begin to tear up, and then a new voice.

_“Sir, Resistance fighters!  We need more troops.”_

His attention was drawn away from me, just for a second.  I could have kissed that Stormtrooper, and the entire Resistance fleet, just for giving me a little glimmer of hope.

 _“Pull the division out.  Forget the droid.  We have what we need.”_   He was standing behind me now, his hand by my head, and as soon as I realised what was happening the pain was back – but for less than a second.  Suddenly it was gone again, and I was falling.  I tried to scream, but then I was in his strong arms, one around my back and the other lifting me from underneath my knees before I slipped from consciousness entirely.


	3. Interrogation

I don't like talking about the interrogation.

Even to Jess, I don't like talking about the interrogation.  I feel like I have to justify it all, because he hurt me so badly and yet I forgave him.  It should have been a momentous occasion, where I uncovered the Force and won against Kylo...but every time I mention it to anyone, they criticise him.  I forgave him, but nobody thinks I should have.  So I never bring it up anymore.

Ben never forgave himself.  He died believing he was a monster.  He died believing he wasn't good enough.  I told him time and time again that I had forgiven him, that it was fine, that we were enemies at the time and that he was just following orders.  He had no reason to suspect that I was anything more than a scavenger. Besides, I did exactly the same thing to him, I just didn't hurt him so badly.

The interrogation was the first time I saw his face - that's the only reason I haven't repressed the memory.  I was strapped down to some torture device, designed to hold a prisoner completely still while their interrogator did unspeakable things to them.  I tried not to imagine how many people had died in the exact chair I was strapped to.

As soon as I woke, I saw him.  Crouched in front of me, watching, completely still.  I tested my restraints, tugging against the metal grips, but they were far stronger than I was. They were probably designed to hold Jedi, if the need arose - I was just a scavenger, and a small one at that.  So I gave up and looked down at him, head still spinning and feeling like I could vomit at any moment.

_"Where am I?"_ I mumbled, my eyes never moving from the narrow slits in his mask.  He didn't move, I don't think he was even breathing, for what felt like an eternity.  He was sitting so still, I jumped a little when he finally tilted his head, eyes still burning into mine through the black and silver lines of his mask.

_"You're my guest."_

I smile at the memory.  Ben did that all the time, answering questions with an irrelevant answer.  It drove me mad at the time, but now I can look back on it and smile - it was one of his little quirks.  One I miss more than I thought I would.  Even in the few days since his passing, if I ask Poe where Finn is, I'm subconsciously expecting an answer like "he's fine" or "well, there's someone else over there".  That's what Ben would've said.  But Poe doesn't do that - I'll get "Finn's in the medical centre" or "he's talking to Chewie". It doesn't sound right. Nothing sounds right.  God, I miss him...

"Oh, Rey..."  Jessika's voice is suddenly closer to me, and when I turn to face her, she reaches out and hugs me.  I haven't even realised I'm crying again until I feel my tears soaking into her pilot uniform, and within a few seconds I'm sobbing uncontrollably.  I miss him, I miss him so  _fucking_ much...I'm so stupid, why did I let him go? Why did I let him out of my sight?  I should have argued, should have made him stay away from that fucking ship, and now-

"Rey, please breathe,"  Jess sounds so worried, and she holds me at arms length until I've stopped weeping enough to draw in a shaky breath, then exhale and start again. "D'you want to get a drink?  There's still some of that Corellian wine left, I could go and get it for you."  
"How much is there?"  I mumble, knotting my fingers together in my lap.  I'm going to need a _lot_ to get through tonight without just crying at every possible opportunity.  Thankfully, Jess understands.  She smiles sympathetically and nods.

"I'll see how much I can carry," she assures me with a smile, and I nod, wiping my eyes and watching her disappear out the door, leaving me alone in my quarters.

The silence is painful, even seconds after the sound of Jessika's footsteps have gone. I can't just sit here - I'll get changed into my night clothes.  We've been talking for hours now - poor Jess, I haven't even scratched the surface of our relationship yet.  But I need to talk to someone about it, I'll drive myself insane if I keep it all bottled up. 

I quickly pull my shirt over my head and fold it, leaving it in the pile of laundry for the droid to take away tomorrow.  I forgot to visit Leia...but it's a bit too late to visit now. She'll ask why I've been crying, and that will set it all off again.  No, I'll visit her tomorrow morning.  I pull on a black tank top and undo the buns on the back of my head, letting my hair tumble down to just past my ribcage.  I run my fingers through it quickly before kicking off my trousers and tugging on a pair of loose grey shorts.  I catch sight of myself in the mirror.

Fuck.

I look awful.  I look too thin, too pale, even with the red blotches around my eyes, and the dark purple eye bags. My collarbones are sticking out, my face is gaunt, I look haunted.  There are droids in the base that look more human than I do.  And it's all because I lost him, and now I'm losing myself. 

"Hey, I got it.  Oh, you got changed.  Good idea," Jess says from behind me, stepping into my quarters and closing the door behind her.  "Come on, let's get drunk." 

-

"Alright, where was I?"  We're down two glasses each, and I can feel myself loosening up already.  It's easier to speak to her when the fruity alcohol is making everything feel bubbly and warm, and Jess pours us a third glass each.

"Uh...interrogation.  He said something about you being his guest."

"Oh, I remember."

I don't know why he removed his mask for me.  If anything, it made me more at ease.  He was  _human_ \- attractive and totally mysterious, but human.  He had a long face, framed with black curls of hair and wide brown eyes, full lips and a beautifully intimidating glare. I remember doing everything I could to keep from staring. He approached me from my left, so I focused my glare straight ahead.  I didn't want to get distracted by the looks of the man who could probably snap my neck with one click of his fingers.

_"Tell me about the droid."_ His voice was so much cleaner, so much softer now it was free of that distorter in his helmet.  I felt safer now, although still slightly afraid of what he could do.  I didn't want to mess around, so I answered him as well as I could.

_"He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator-"  
_ _"He's carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest, recovered from archives of the Empire. We need the last piece. And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you. You. A scavenger."_

I felt my heart race as I realised he was going to look inside my mind again.  How else would he have known I was a scavenger?  I was nervous, waiting for the pain, when suddenly he spoke again.

_"You know I can take whatever I want._ "

I don't know why, but I relaxed at that point.  That was the moment in my memory where I started to realise that I was attracted to him - he was so mysterious, but I somehow knew there was a sadness in him.  Something he was missing.

Apparently, he saw the exact same thing in me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! 
> 
> I don't know how frequently this will be updated - there should be a new chapter at least once every two or three days :) thank you for your support so far, it means a lot!


	4. Han Solo

My vision is beginning to blur, but I have no intention of stopping yet.  Two bottles of wine lay discarded in the corner of my bed, and Jess takes longer than usual to uncork the third.  She’s very giggly now, and I’m almost envious of her.  She can still laugh, she can still smile, she still has a life to live.  Everything I have is gone, and even with the wine in my system I can’t smile without it feeling fake, wrong, forced.

I’m just hoping Jess’ happiness will rub off on me. It’s nice company, at least.  Once she’s done babbling on about the hilarity of BB-8 and R2-D2’s conversations, she encourages me to continue with my story – unfortunately, we’re at one of the sad parts.

After I mind-tricked that Stormtrooper into releasing the restraints and giving me his weapon, I was alone in the Starkiller base.   Alone and confused, testing this new power I never knew I had, I sprinted through corridors and hid in corners and behind machines from the seemingly endless patrols of Stormtroopers.  Kylo would be looking for me, I had no doubt, and that terrified me. 

I was looking for a ship – a TIE fighter to escape.  I was so close, standing on the edge of an endless drop, looking down at the Stormtroopers guarding the ships, when I heard the menacing thuds of a patrol coming around the corner.  There was nowhere to run; I jumped down over the edge, grabbing handles and indents in the wall of switches and levers.  I was right out in the open, and nowhere near the ships, so I chose a lever and swung down on it.  Something hissed, and then popped out of the wall, so I quickly climbed into the hole it left behind and let it close again.

It was pitch black inside.  I remember climbing down, down, down until I couldn’t go any further, and then pulling on another lever inside, opening one of the hatches – I still don’t know what they were for – and following the light until I was back in some kind of corridor.

Now I was disoriented; I thought I would go directly to the ships, but now I was in a corridor identical to the last, and the one before that, and I was beginning to panic.  I was lost, and Kylo was looking for me, with thousands of Stormtroopers following him.  I could have cried, where the _fuck_ was I?  I turned a corner, holding my gun up defensively.

_“Rey!”_

I gasped and spun around, aiming at whoever was behind me – I froze in shock.  Han reached out and pushed my gun down as Finn approached me, Chewie roaring softly behind them.  _“Are you alright?”_ Han asked, and I barely choked out a ‘ _yeah’_ response.  He smiled and nodded.  _“Good.”  
“What happened – did he hurt you?”  _ Finn sounded so worried, and I didn’t know how to answer his question.  There was some more talking – I don’t remember exactly what was said – but before long we were hurriedly exiting the Starkiller base, stepping out into the icy cold.

-

My memory is going fuzzy.  I should stop drinking now, my speech is going wobbly, my words won’t form properly, and I can’t even remember what happens next.  “So, you left the base?”  
“Yeah, but…I-I can’t remem-ember what happened.  I watched Kylo and Han talking on the bridge…and then Han reached out t’get the lightsaber, and,”  I make a whooshing noise, mimicking the lightsaber shooting through his chest, and then acting out Han’s dramatic fall into oblivion by flopping back onto my bed.  “…dead.”

“Okay, then what?”  
“We ran the fuck away.  Me and Finn went to look for the Fal-clon…Falcon…”  My words sound totally wrong.  “So we ran into the forest while Chewie blew some shit up, and we were going in circles and getting lost.”  
“And…”  Jess wants me to get to the ‘good part’.

“And, we stumbled across Kylo.”

I’m almost annoyed at Jess for seeming so excited about this.  I nearly killed him, I could have sliced his head open or cut off his arm.  And…I still feel sick to my stomach remembering the look on his face when I slashed his face; the fear in his eyes, teeth clenched from the sudden cold of the snow against his back and the pain in his arm, his face, his side.  He was so weak, emotionally and physically, and I could have killed him.  I felt the dark side pulling me towards him, whispering in my ear to kill him, take his place, and it took all of my strength to turn back.

I needed to get Finn, he was lying face down in the snow with a hideous wound carved down his spine by Kylo’s lightsaber.  But even as I fell to my knees at Finn’s side, searching desperately for a pulse, feeling my stomach sink when I found one too weak to survive for long…I felt Kylo’s presence. He was still lying there in the snow, blood staining the crystal white, and I couldn’t stop myself from glancing back at him.  Something was holding me to him, something I couldn’t control, and I didn’t want to leave him to die.

I shouldn’t have been relieved when I saw Hux’s ship landing next to him, Stormtroopers carrying him carefully inside before the planet collapsed.  I should have been cursing under my breath, vowing to get him the next time, but I wasn’t.  For some unexplainable reason, I was glad he was alive.

I felt guilty for hoping Kylo recovered, especially when we landed on D’Qar again, and I saw Leia.  She looked broken, but resilient.  She always bounced back, up until recently, and this time was no different.  I hugged her, and I nearly cried in the memory of Han, the only father figure I ever had, brutally murdered by this bastard I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about.

“Okay, Rey, we need to stop.  You’re not making words anymore.”  Jess giggles, and I smile a small smile; the past few sentences were mostly noises strung together in a messy fashion, making no sense.

“It’s late, how about you try to sleep?  If you need me, I’ll be next door, as usual.  I’ll leave one bottle here, actually, and take the rest back.”  
“M’kay…”  I slur, swaying a little bit, and she grins.  
“You’re doing well, Rey.  Have a good night.”  She sounds so sincere, and I just nod once – words won’t work, so why bother?

“G’night, Jess…seeya t’morrow,”  I mumble as she stands up and leaves the bottle by my bed.  She smiles back at me and wanders drunkenly to the door, pushing a button so it slides open and staggering out.

“Night, Rey," she calls as it slides shut and locks behind her, leaving me alone in the room.  I reach for the bottle again – no point in wasting it – but my hands aren’t coordinated and I can’t open it, no matter how hard I try, so I leave it and decide to go back to it tomorrow.

I close my eyes and wait for sleep to take me – my head is swimming in alcohol, and I fall under pretty quickly, but I keep waking.  Every time my eyes open, I glance to the clock and sigh, and the emptiness fills me again.  No Ben here to rock me to sleep, hold me tight and kiss the top of my head.

It’s weird to think we’ll never lie together like that again.  Despite the impossibility of Ben staying the night with me in the Resistance base, I was able to stay in his quarters of the Starkiller or Finalizer bases without question.  There was nobody who could sense my presence, and people were too scared to barge into his quarters unannounced, thus eliminating the risk of being caught.  I spent many nights there, cuddled up with him, stealing the heat from his body.

Without him, everything feels so cold.


	5. Leia's Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick trigger warning - brief mentions of overdose and drugs (nyex and comaren are star wars universe painkillers)

Good god, I think I’m going to die.

My head is thumping, spinning, aching like I’ve been struck by a hammer; I need to get to the ‘fresher, pronto – everything in my chest is twisting, warning that I’m going to be sick very, very soon.  I force myself out of my bunk, catch myself on unsteady legs, and grip onto the wardrobe until I get my bearings.

My stomach lurches, and I gag a little.  Oh god, I need to move.  I drag myself around to the entrance to the ‘fresher, the door on the same wall my bunk is pressed against, facing the sink and toilet with a shower to the left.  My hands reach out for the sink to stable myself before I lean down over the toilet.

-

About twenty minutes later, I’m gargling water from the sink to wash the taste out of my mouth.  I feel better now, although my head is still pounding - I forgot how much I hate hangovers.  Normally, I’d be drinking with Ben, and he’d make sure I went to bed with a glass of water and some painkillers by my bed, or he’d remind me to keep drinking water in between glasses of alcohol.  Damn him for being so considerate – now I’m completely alone, and I can’t take care of myself like he did.

Painkillers.  I might have some in my bedside cabinet.

“ _Don’t take more than two.  I don’t care if you think you’re going to die on the spot; you’re small, so you need less.  I don’t want you to accidentally poison yourself on painkillers, that’s a really shit way for a Jedi to die.”_

I smile at his voice in my memory, imagining how Order 66 would have become hilarious if all of those Jedi masters were just drugged on Nyex and died on their bathroom floor.  Ben could always make me laugh like that, and I’m still smiling when I pop out two Comaren tablets and swallow them with a gulp of water.

As I put the glass down on the edge of the table, I see the clock.  It’s late morning – I should go and check on General Organa, since I didn’t last night.  Thankfully, Comaren is fast acting, and my headache is slowly diminishing as I get dressed and tie my hair up in a single ponytail. I don’t look in the mirror before I leave – I don’t feel strong enough to face my haunting appearance today.

As soon as the door slides open, I hear the excited chatter of the pilots, whose briefing room is annoyingly close to our sleeping quarters.  What are they saying?  Why are they all there?  Are…are they planning another mission already?  Of course, they aren’t as shaken by last week’s loss as myself and Leia are…but still, I feel almost disrespected by their eagerness to move on. 

I keep my head low as I avoid them, ignoring their excited babbling and congratulatory comments to Poe, fucking _Poe_ …I quicken my pace as I go to find Leia’s room.  It’s quite far from mine, which played into our hands when Ben wanted to visit me here.  Leia’s grasp of the Force was limited, and she couldn’t sense Ben from that distance.  But he could sense her, and sometimes it depressed him to be so close to her.

_“Y’know…I don’t know what she looks like.  I’ve never known her eye colour, how long her hair is, how tall she is out of those heels, what she looks like without any makeup.  She was always ‘ready’, that’s what she called it.  ‘Ready’ for a camera to burst around the corner, demand her views on this war, or that dispute, or what this politician said about that senator, even in her own home.”_

I remember this conversation well – we were lying on my bed, too small for both of us; we were huddled together, my back to his chest with his arm around my waist, his other hand playing with my hair.  I remember awkwardly turning so I could face him, hold him, wind his curling hair around my fingers.

 _“Are you sure you didn’t just forget?”_  
“Nope, I never knew in the first place.  I always saw the back of her, because I was always waiting for her to stop looking in the mirror, or stop talking to whoever, and I was hoping for her to turn around and see me.  She never did.  She was always so, so busy with something else.”  
“Oh…I’m sorry, Ben.”  I meant it – I’d never heard anything quite so sad.  He gave me a smile, a proper smile, and he hugged me closer.

 _“I know you, though. And that’s more important.”_ He closed his eyes, as if to prove a point, and I giggled.  _“You have brown eyes, your hair comes down to just past your shoulders, you’re 5’7” tall, you have cute freckles and you’re absolutely beautiful.”_

I realise I’m blushing at the memory, and as I reach Leia’s room I take a second to let my face recover.  I feel nervous, why am I nervous?  I think it might be the painkillers, sometimes they make me anxious, but I won’t let it stop me.  I knock softly on her door.  I don’t get a reply. 

“General?”  I call from outside – still nothing.  Now I feel sick, what if something’s happened to her?  I check my pockets for my emergency password she gave me a few weeks before Ben’s passing, “ _just in case you need it”_ – thankfully, I find it folded neatly in my jacket and quickly enter the numbers into the keypad.

The door slides open, and I let out a long exhale as I step inside.  “General?  Are you in here?”  
“Mh…” she breathes as I spot her in the chair by the window, curled up with something in her hand.  She’s sleeping, thank god…it’s been so long since she last slept properly.  I shouldn’t disturb her, and so I turn to leave; that is, until I see a flash of Han’s face in the paper in Leia’s hand.  Is…is that a family photo?

I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I reach out and gently tug the paper from her grip.  This is wrong, this is very wrong, this is none of my business and-

Oh.

They’re standing together, the three of them, and Ben is still a child.  I’ve never seen him like this…so small, so vulnerable, smiling for the photo but he isn’t happy, he doesn’t want to be there.  Leia looks cheery, warm, loving with her arm around Han and a hand on Ben’s shoulder.  Han’s doing what Leia referred to as the ‘scoundrel smile’, a grin with only one side of his mouth.  There’s a sense of warmth to the picture, but it’s painfully cold to realise that Leia has lost everyone she cares about, minus Luke.

Ah, Luke.  I should probably make up my mind about that.  He asked me if I really wanted to continue with Jedi training, if I felt compelled enough to carry on, and I asked him for time to think about it.  I doubt I’ll go back – it’s too much right now.  Maybe sometime later.

I put the picture down on the table beside her and quickly turn to leave.  I make sure she has some fruit in the bowl on her desk, a drink – she should be fine when she wakes up.  So I step outside and let the door slide shut, locking behind me.  Now, I just need to get back to my room without being spotted by the mob of pilots.

“So I thought I should probably…hey, Rey!”

I hear that _bastard’s_ voice and fix a fake smile on my face as I turn around.

“Hello, Poe.”


	6. Poe Dameron

_For god sake, Rey…_ the little voice in my head sighs.  _He was just doing his fucking job, cut him some slack._

I know the voice is right.  He wasn’t acting on hatred or some level of vengeance; Poe wasn’t _aiming_ for him.  God, I should be more tolerant, I shouldn’t let this colour my friendship with him…but the fact is, it was Poe’s torpedo that started the explosion.  It was Poe’s ship that hit the fuel cells, it was Poe that pulled the trigger and fired that crucial shot.  It was Poe that killed Ben, accidentally or not, and if I don’t blame him, I have no choice but to blame myself.

Ben and Poe never saw eye to eye.  Or, they did for a while, but it was decades ago.  And…it was short lived, to say it kindly.  A few months, maybe, and then it all fell apart.

_“My mother liked him.  Whenever he came over to play, we’d be sitting in the living room, and she would come through with cookies and fizzy juice.  She’d talk to us, but she’d ignore me.  She liked to hear about Poe’s toy space ships, he had an incredible knowledge of how every part worked.  They spent more time together than with me.”_

I remember that breaking my heart.  Leia wasn’t a bad person, of course not, but Ben had such awful memories of her.  I see how easy it was for him to believe she didn’t love him – everything is skewed in the mind of a child, and an attention-deprived one like Ben would have felt that Leia wanted rid of him.  It was so sad, hearing him talk about his childhood, but it made him feel better to have it off his chest.

 _“Once, I came down from my bedroom to get a drink, and I found them sitting at our kitchen table, dissecting one of his take-apart-put-back-together spaceships.  She was teaching him how bits of it worked, tutoring him in the hopes that she could recruit him for the new rebellion project she was planning – the Resistance.  She wanted him to grow up to be a pilot for her.”  
“And now he is one,"  _ I mumbled, and Ben nodded solemnly.  
_“We stopped playing together when we got a little bit older, and he started to build mini X-wings to show my mother. She would take time out of her busy schedule to see him, and not me.  So…naturally, I got jealous.  We were never very close after that.”_

I sigh.  Maybe it’s that entire conversation that’s made me pissed off at Poe.  I’m starting to feel bad about everything, how quick I am to judge and accuse.  I start making an effort, smiling through the hollowness in my chest and the thumping headache that stubbornly resists the painkillers.

“Hey, are you alright?  You look a bit tired," he asks, standing strong with a hand on his hip.  He just radiates charisma, which normally makes it easy to speak to him.  But today I’m so caught up in this mess of guilt and sadness and hatred, I don’t know what to say.  I just nod.

“Are you sure?  Jess said the two of you got drunk last night, that’s not like you.  When was the last time you ate?”  
“I’m fine, Poe.  I’m just a bit hungover, I’ll get some food in a bit.”  
He gives me an unsteady look – I’ve managed to make the most confident person in the world feel awkward around me.

“Uh…okay.  Do, uh, do you know if the general is okay?”  Finally, a question I can answer.

“She’s sleeping just now, I just checked up on her.”  
“Alright…look, uh…”  Poe’s lowered his voice now – that’s totally out of character for him. I feel guilty for making him so uncomfortable; maybe he could tell that five minutes ago I absolutely despised him. 

“…has something happened? Like, have I done something wrong?  You and the general are both acting different, and…if it’s my fault, will you tell me?  I don’t want to ruin our friendship, y’know.” He looks genuinely concerned, and I realise I’m standing rigid, frozen still.  What the fuck do I say to that?  _Yes, Poe, we’re both devastated because – surprise! – you killed Ben Solo.  Your childhood friend, son of General Organa and the only man I’ve ever loved._

I’m totally stuck, I don’t know how to respond.  Seconds are ticking by as I open my mouth, and nothing comes out, the words won’t form in my mind.  So I stick to the safe option and shake my head.  “You’ve not done anything.  I think we’re just getting sick, there must be a bug going around.”

I’m a terrible liar, but evidently Poe decides to believe me.  He lets out a relieved sigh and nods, uttering some kind of ‘thank god’ or ‘you had me worried there’; I’m not really listening.  He seems happy enough, so he says something about going to see Finn and vanishes.

“Fuck-ing-hell,” I mumble as I turn to head back to my quarters, still on edge minutes later.  Why am I so bad at…everything?  I didn’t realise that severing the Force bond left the remaining person totally empty – how much of me died with him?  I’m beginning to think there’s nothing much to me now.

So when I get back to my room, I glance at the clock and decide to take a shower.  God knows I need one.

-

Before long, I’m sitting in the corner of my shower, warm water pouring down on me as I watch it run over my outstretched legs.  I normally end up sitting in the shower, especially if I’m planning on staying there for a while.

I want to pick up where I left off, with Jess.  After the snow fight, after I’d hurt Kylo but let him live, after we got back to D’Qar and I prepared to find Luke.  I’d trained for a while, doing boring, basic stuff like meditating and memorising the forms of lightsaber combat, but before a year of training was complete I was called back to Leia.

 _“She says it’s urgent,”_ Luke told me one morning, after meditation and a recital of the first form, Shii-Cho.   _“I think you’d better go.”_

So I did.  I flew back to D’Qar, back to Poe and Finn, who had completely recovered from his spine injury, and back to Leia.  She greeted me as I exited the Falcon, asking questions about my training and how I was enjoying it and how much I’d learned.

 _“Good afternoon, Rey.  How was your journey?”  
“Fine, thank you.”  
“I’m glad.  How’s the training going?”  
“Very well.”  _ She must have seen the uncertainty in my face, because she laughed a little and smiled.  
_“I know Luke can be a very slow teacher.  You’ll start to enjoy it more when you start lightsaber combat, I’m sure.”_

We walked through to the briefing room, where Leia offered me a seat opposite her, the worry in her face beginning to show.  _“Rey, I have a request."  
"Okay."_

She looked very nervous - it was as if she was sending me to my death.  She probably thought she was.

_"I…I know you haven’t done much of your training yet, and I know you don’t think highly of him, but…I want you to go to Ben.  I …want you to bring him home.”_


	7. Coruscant

She looked at me with begging eyes, the same look he gave me when he was lying in the snow, defenceless and scared.  I couldn’t say no.

 _“Really?”_ she half-gasped, eyes suddenly widening and creasing in the corners, a wide smile creeping across her face.  _“You’ll do it?”  
“If you believe there is still light in him, it’s worth a shot.”_

The look of joy, relief, excitement, gratitude…it’s one that stays with me.  Whenever I think of the general, it’s that face that I remember first.  I’d never seen her so happy, so I smiled back at her as she started to go into the details of the plan.  
_  
“Him and a few other major First Order figures are attending a meeting tomorrow on Coruscant with a weapons merchant, they might be making a deal.  Ben will definitely be there.  I’ll pay for the hotel for you to stay in and we’ll have the X-wings on standby in case anything goes wrong, god forbid.”  
“I think it will be fine.”  
“Good.  I’ll leave it up to you to decide how you want to convince him, and…”  _ she tailed off, suddenly looking slightly distant.  _“Rey, please be careful.  If you can’t do it, if he won’t listen, you can give up.  I understand.  Don’t put yourself in more danger than you have to.  I’d rather have your safety guaranteed than have a chance of losing you.”_  
_“Thank you, ma’am.  I’ll be careful, I promise.”_

So I smiled and stood up, turning back to face her to ask, _“What ship will I be taking?  He’ll recognise the Falcon, is there any alternative?”_  
 _“We have some unmarked, anonymous ships in the hanger over there.  You can choose whichever one you like and we’ll get it ready for you tomorrow.”_  
 _“Alright, thank-”_

There’s a knock on my bathroom door, and I sit bolt upright.  Ben?  
“Rey?  Are you in there?”  It’s Jess.  _Stop doing this, Rey, you know he isn’t coming back,_ I tell myself, sighing and shaking my head.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m here.”  
“Are you alright?”  
“Yeah, I’m just- wait, how did you get in?”  
“I know your password.  You’ve been in the shower for hours now, what’s happened?”  
“I just zoned out, uh…give me a second,”  I mumble as I quickly stand and turn off the water, sighing as the cold air clings to the droplets on my skin.

“I’ll wait out here – you still have stories to tell me.”  
“Alright, I’ll be dressed in a minute,”  I call back, quickly drying myself and wrapping my hair up in a towel.  My clothes are lying in a pile on the floor, and I dress myself as fast as I can, checking how tired I look today in the mirror before I go – thankfully, my face has regained just a little bit of colour.  I don’t look quite so pale – still scary and dead-looking, but less pale.

“Alright, I’m done,”  I mumble, stepping out of the bathroom and going to join Jess, who is sitting cross-legged on my bed.  She’s holding some kind of bread, two halves of the loaf, and she offers one to me as I sit.  “You haven’t eaten in ages.”  
“Thank you,”  I mumble, smiling as I accept her offer and tear a small chunk off to eat.

“Keep telling the story,” she mumbles, mouth full with a few crumbs escaping as she speaks.  She’s gesturing for me to continue, eyes wide with expectation, and I nod.  Jess should remember parts of this; she was the one to help me choose a ship to take.

 _“Y’know, it seems like a simple decision.  If it flies, it’s good.  But the last thing we need is the ship to be stolen or stand out from the crowd.  Whereabouts are you going?”_ she asked, her voice friendly and calm.  _“Last time I went to Coruscant, I landed my X-wing too close to an entrance to the Underworld and it was stolen.  These babies need to stay intact.”  
“It’s in the outskirts of the Senate District.”  
“Hm…nothing too fancy, but not shabby either.  This one,”  _ she pointed to a silver shuttle, _“…should do nicely.”_

So, the next morning, I took a look around.  It was small, nothing fancy, but it would do.  There was a single bunk with an adjoining refresher and a few storage crates, already loaded with three blasters and plenty of ammunition.  I doubted I’d need it, I had my lightsaber, but I kept one on me anyway. _“Everything ready?”_ Leia’s voice came from behind me, hopeful and expectant.  I smiled and nodded as I turned to face her, quickly examining the blaster before sliding it into the holster in my belt.  
_“I think so.”  
“Good.  The meeting starts at 5pm, and if everything goes well it will be done by 7.  Of course, it won’t, so I’d expect it to finish around about 8pm.”  
“Alright.  I’ll head off just now, then, it’ll take a while to get there.”  
“Okay," _ she smiled, and I turned to face the cockpit of my shuttle.  _“Thank you, Rey.”_

Her voice was small, maybe even afraid, and I turned back to face her, giving her a reassuring smile as she went to leave the shuttle.  She had faith in me, I knew that, and there was undeniably a feeling of excitement that came with the thought of seeing _him_ again.  It had been…just under a year, I think, and still I dreamed of him most nights.

 _“Did Luke tell you it was a Force bond?”_ Ben asked me, years later.  I remember this conversation well – this was one of the rare occasions we went outside together, meeting on a street on Corellia and just walking for a while.  
_“No.  I never brought it up, but I think he felt it.  He didn’t say anything, though.”_  
_“You didn’t ask?  At all?”_  
 _“I was scared…I thought it was, like, a sign that I was doomed to fall to the dark side.  Why, did you ask Snoke?”_  
 _“He would have killed me on the spot if I told him I had dreams of a Jedi girl every single night,"_ he said with a laugh, squeezing my small hand in his.

I take another bite of my bread as Jess makes a little “aw” noise.

-

I don’t remember much of the flight – it can’t have been eventful, then.  But I do remember landing on Coruscant for the first time, stunned into silence as soon as my shuttle came into their airspace.  There was so much _life_ , more than I could even imagine...Jakku was dead, nothing lived on those sands, not for long anyway.   But here, there were buildings, skyscrapers, ships and people covering every square inch of the place, chatting and zooming and every noise imaginable playing in my ears.  I was totally shocked by the constant movement, nothing ever stayed still…how the hell would I track down one man in this mess?

I tried to put it out of mind as I followed the directions to the hotel Leia had booked for me.  She’d made sure it was as close to the meeting place as possible, something I had assumed would be a good thing.  Of course, when I checked in and took the elevator up, I realised Leia had spared no expense in my accommodation.

My room was on the fifty second floor, and it was ridiculous.  It wasn’t a room as much as it was an apartment – 2 bedrooms, both with massive windows that looked out across the city, and at exactly the same level as the windows of the meeting room the First Order were supposed to be using.  Of course, the building was quite far from mine, but I would hopefully still be able to see him inside when the meeting started.

The beds were huge, at least three times the size of my bunk in the Resistance base, with soft and springy mattresses and silk covers.  There were en suite refreshers and a large living room area with long, luxurious sofas and glass coffee tables, surrounded by yet more windows with long, flowing red curtains.  I couldn’t see how Leia could possibly afford all this – of course, she would be inclined to spend as much as she could in order to secure my success.  And she grew up as royalty – I imagined she had a taste for luxury.

So I spent a while wandering around the room, jumping on the beds like a child and sprawling out on the sofas, before settling down and waiting for the clock to hit 5pm.

My stomach was in knots as I watched the lights turn on in the room, and the chrome-armoured Stormtrooper captain strode in.  Her blaster was held with both hands protectively, or perhaps as an intimidation thing.  Ben called her Phasma, the scary captain who intimidated him.

 _“She’s ruthlessly organised, everything she does is efficient.  I don’t think she’s ever made a mistake in her life.  And, damn is she persistent…she’s stubborn and she’s strong, that’s why she reminded me of you.”  
“I’m not that stubborn!”  
“Of course not, darling.  Imagine you being stubborn!  Ha!”  _ Ben mumbled sarcastically, and I grinned.    _“You’re the most stubborn person I know.”_  
  
He was right, but I wasn’t going to admit that.

Next came the ginger one, dressed head to toe in black with a sharp hat and his coat over his shoulders.  He didn’t have his arms in the sleeves, something that annoyed Kylo to no end.

_“Fucking…just, why wouldn’t you wear a coat properly?  It looked so stupid, and it just meant his arms were slightly colder than the rest of him.  I swear, he did it to annoy me and Phasma.”_

Ben complained about Hux a lot.  They argued over everything, but they both knew Hux was scared of Kylo.  Hux was gifted in leading armies, especially for someone of his young age, but he would be dead in a second if exposed to the rage of Kylo’s fiery lightsaber.

Hux didn’t show his fear, though.  He walked after Phasma, sitting just out of view from my window, and finally Kylo stalked in, closely followed by a man clearly petrified by the three of them.  Weirdly, Kylo didn’t sit – he stood at the corner of the table, facing the gun merchant with his arms crossed, hunched slightly forwards. 

I watched them for a while, and soon it became clear that it was Phasma who was negotiating.  Hux stepped in every so often to argue, but Kylo didn’t move a muscle for the whole two hours I observed them.  He could have been talking, I wouldn’t know, his mask was secured over his face.

I was taking notes on a travel brochure I found in a drawer in the living room of the hotel room – how I would decode them later, I wasn’t sure.  My handwriting was horrific, especially as the natural light was dimming outside.  I kept watching and scribbling until Kylo raised his hand to stop the meeting, then promptly turned to leave.

What?  My eyes followed him as the door opened, and he disappeared.  Where was he going?  I watched the front door of the hotel, seemingly miles down from me, and sure enough he emerged and started to walk.

I jumped to my feet, ran to the door, then the elevator…I had to follow him.  It took seconds to get from the fifty second floor to the lobby, but it felt like days.  The glass lift dinged and then the doors opened, and I nearly sprinted to the door.

I only just caught sight of the torn hem of his black cape disappearing around a corner.  So, like an idiot, I started to follow him.


	8. Meeting Again

8pm in the Senate District of Coruscant, and the streets were nearly bare.

On the plus side, I couldn’t lose sight of him in a crowd.  The golden buildings and cream-coloured pavement, even in the dark, couldn’t camouflage the head-to-toe black outfit, especially not on his scarily tall frame.  However, the lack of crowds meant lack of cover, something I was slightly lost without – what if he turned around?  The pressure was building, Leia was counting on me, and I was suddenly realising I had no plan.

But I kept creeping forwards, darting behind buildings and into alleyways at the slightest indication he was going to turn.   _Maybe I could follow him back to wherever he’s staying and corner him…_ I was thinking, hurrying to catch up with him as his pace quickened.  _I’ll trap him in his hotel room, force him to talk to me._ He sharply turned a corner, very nearly spotting me as I dived to the left.  I froze for a few seconds until I was certain he’d missed me, and when I started to trail him again, he’d vanished.

_Fuck._

I felt my heart hammer in my chest as I looked around, _where the fuck did he go?_   There were no turnings, there were no more streets for him to have disappeared down…I took a few steps forward, eyes scanning for the black cloaked figure.  There was a skyscraper hotel to my left, a library to my right, and some fancy-looking building straight ahead – it looked far too dark to be open, so I held my breath and turned left, praying that this was his hotel, that I’d managed to track him here, that I hadn’t already failed Leia.

I let out a long sigh of relief as I spotted his dark cape disappear into the golden elevator of the lobby.  Without thinking, I ran for the sign above a glass door with a golden handle reading ‘ _Staircase_ ’ and swung it open before starting to climb.

Upon reflection, I was so incredibly stupid to tail him like that.  Even as I sprinted up the stairs two at a time, relying on my gut instinct to find the correct floor, I didn’t ask any questions.   I should have realised it was abnormal for Kylo to calmly leave a meeting an hour early, and proceed to walk back to his hotel with no protection, no bodyguards or Stormtroopers.  But I didn’t, I just assumed I was lucky.  It should have been so _fucking obvious_ that this was a trap.

I tried to use the Force to figure out which floor his room was on, using my vague knowledge of Force signatures to trace him to the sixty-seventh floor.  It felt a little bit too easy when I stepped out from the stairwell to see two doors – each hotel room was so big they could only fit two to each floor – with one wide open.  I finally started to get suspicious, but it wasn’t enough to stop me from investigating.

From the short corridor, I could see through the doorframe into the living room area of what I assumed was his hotel room.  My eyes scanned the edge of the sofa, the corner of the coffee table…and the silver hilt of a lightsaber sitting on the glass surface.  _Yes, his lightsaber!_ I hurried forwards, stepping into his hotel room to snatch it before I planned to confront him.

As soon as my hand touched the cold metal, the door slammed shut behind me.  I froze in place, fingers grasping the hilt, and suddenly I realised the vital flaw in my plan.

 _“That was too easy.”_   His undistorted, natural voice growled from behind me. _Fuck._

Kylo was far stronger with the Force than I was, now he was no longer injured or traumatised from his patricide.  _Of course_ he knew I was following him, and he had trapped me in the exact way I had planned to trap him.

 _“Skywalker still trains his padawans slowly, I see.”_ His voice was obviously mocking, and I grimaced as I stood up properly and turned to face him.

 _“I’m not here to fight you.”_ My voice shook involuntarily – I wasn’t scared of him, but I was caught off guard.  He had cornered me, and the Force bond suddenly felt physical, like elastic connecting us. I could tell he felt it too, his head tilted slightly and I could see him smiling.  
_“Of course not.  You haven’t progressed in your combat since we last met, I can tell.”_

He stalked forwards, and I naturally took a step back.  _“He’s stupider than I thought, sending you to me with no further training.”  
“Master Luke didn’t send me,”  _ I retorted, standing as tall as I could.  _“Your mother did.”_

He froze for a few seconds, and suddenly his lightsaber was yanked from my hands, directly into his.  _Shit._ I took another step back as he ignited the fiery red blade, spinning it defensively and preparing himself for a fight. 

I gripped my lightsaber hilt, which hung from my belt, watching as he took another step forwards.  I was waiting for him to say something, but the sound of ragged, distorted breathing was all I heard for a while.  I made a mental note to never mention his mother ever again – that was a bad start.

 _“She’s more foolish than I thought, then,"_ he growled.  
_“She misses you, she wants you to-”_

Suddenly, his blade came slashing down at me, and I brandished my lightsaber faster than I ever had before.   Remarkably, I managed to deflect his attack – I had forgotten about my abilities to learn from him through the bond.  How else could I have possibly defeated him on the Starkiller?  I gained a little bit of confidence from that thought – theoretically, Kylo could pull any tricks or stunts and I would’ve been able to deflect them.

Unless, of course, my balance let me down.

His lightsaber crashed down on me, and I brought up mine in defence, immediately clashing and spitting purple and white sparks from where our blades met.   _“You shouldn’t have come here, scavenger…I will destroy you,"_ he hissed, using his considerable height to his advantage and walking me backwards.  Until, of course, I lost my footing and stumbled back a few feet, hitting the wall behind me.

Our lightsabers, previously locked in a battle of strengths, suddenly dropped to our sides as I fell back – of course, he was using all of his weight to overpower me, and when my blade disappeared he fell with me. 

When I opened my eyes again, I realised his chest was millimetres from mine, his hand was by my head, and he was towering over me, holding me against the wall with his brown eyes staring down into me.

I tried to move, but the Force bond between us had become a magnet.  He felt the same thing, too – his eyes widened in surprise under his helmet as we were suddenly so close, and that the bond had reacted by holding us there.  His signature was conflicted, angry at me and angry at himself, and he eventually stepped back, as if giving up entirely.  He spun his lightsaber, but his determination to fight me had vanished - I could tell because he suddenly, without warning, took off his helmet.

 _Don’t even think about falling for him,_ the little voice in my head warned.  I was silenced by the interaction, unable to think as I stepped forwards from the wall, making sure I didn’t get too close to him.  That should have been terrifying, I should have been trembling with fear to have such an evil man so close to me, not even an inch from touching me, and yet I wasn’t.  It almost felt…natural.  And I could tell by the confusion in his face, the lost puppy look in his eyes, that he felt it too.

 _“Leave, now,"_ he ordered, but I stood my ground.  He didn’t look at me, but I watched him anyway.  
_“I came to talk, I’m not going anywhere until-”_  
_“I’m not negotiating.  Leave now, tell her it’s hopeless.”_  
 _“No.”_

He sharply turned and pointed his lightsaber at me, eyes burning into mine.  He didn’t look angry, he didn’t look homicidal, he looked scared.  His eyes were wide, lips slightly parted, hair tousled from where he’d run his hand through it.  _“I will kill you unless you get out, right now.”  
“You don’t scare me.”_

He took one step forward, and I disengaged my lightsaber.  I didn’t have the motivation to fight him, not when my stomach still had butterflies and I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering back to what had just happened.  He looked confused, irritated by my persistence, and then finally he spoke.  _“I’ll make her regret sending you here.”  
“She’s forgiven you, she wants her son to come home.”  
“Her son is dead," _ he growled, fiddling with something on his belt for a few seconds.  
_“She senses light in you, she knows her son lives.”_  
_“She’s stupid!  Ben Solo is dead, I destroyed him!”_   He began raising his voice, gripping his lightsaber as the blade continued to crackle and hiss.

It took me a second to muster the courage to speak next.  _“Your father was right, you know he was right.  Snoke is using you for your power, and he’ll kill you when you’re no longer convenient.  Go home, for god sake, stop delaying the inevitable.  She misses you.”_

He froze for a few seconds, and then he gave me a sinister smile, teeth clenched and eyes burning into me.  _“Well, you can tell the Supreme Leader that when you see him.  Let’s find out if he agrees.”  
“What?”  _ It took me a few seconds to realise what he was saying.  A bright light shone in through the window behind me, and I saw the grin spread across his face.  I turned my back to him to check what it was – there was no way he could have called in reinforcements already.

My eyes widened and my heart dropped to my stomach as I saw the First Order symbol on the ship that was slowly landing outside.  I went to turn around to face him again, when I realised he was already behind me, his hand brushing against mine for a split second as he snapped a pair of handcuffs around my wrists.  _“No, wait-”  
“I warned you," _ he growled, still smiling, and I tugged fiercely as he grabbed my arm and pulled me over to the door.  _Shit, how did I manage to screw this up so badly?_ I was shocked by the amount of traps I had just waltzed into already – how had I forgotten the general rule of ‘don’t turn your back to the Sith lord’ to look out a window?

-

Jess giggles beside me.  “Wow, you really fucked that up.”

I was thinking exactly the same thing as I was thrown into the hands of two Stormtroopers standing at the ready outside Kylo’s hotel room.


	9. Capture

I was swearing repeatedly in my head, desperate to calm myself as the Stormtroopers escorted me down the thousands of stairs, out the door and into the shuttle.  _Master, help me!_ I tried to communicate through the Force, but it wasn’t working.  _Shit, shit, shit…Leia!  Please, help me!_   Again, nothing.

 _“In there,"_ one Stormtrooper commanded, tugging at my arm and nodding towards the shuttle. As if there was anywhere else to go.  There were two more guarding it, watching me with blasters loaded and ready, shiny white helmets following me as I climbed the ramp into ship.  I sighed heavily – where the hell was I going now?  The Starkiller was gone, had the Finalizer died with it?

I was marched to the back of the transport before the Stormtroopers filed in front, one of them vanishing behind us and giving commands to whoever was piloting. They were mumbling, I barely overheard _“…Ren’s prisoner…”_ then some inaudible response before the words _“…Jedi…”_ and _“…Finalizer…”_ were uttered and my stomach sank.

I sent out another few pleas for help through the Force, all with no response, and I closed my eyes and sighed, defeated.  The Stormtroopers around me all stood completely still, frozen in place, as if their slightest movement would get them killed.  _Maybe Kylo Ren is a lot more frightening than I remember him being…_ I thought, observing their terror and suddenly feeling slightly more on edge. 

Something hissed, and the ramp raised and closed, depriving us of the light of the Coruscant street.  White artificial beams shone from the ceiling, dazzlingly bright at first, before the ship shook and hummed.

 _We can’t be taking off yet, he isn’t on board…_ I thought, glancing around at the dozens of white helmets.  He definitely wasn’t amongst them, and the shuttle sharply elevated, rising and rising.  _Where is he?_  I felt my stomach knot, I didn’t like this.  I suddenly felt so unsafe, knowing there was nothing familiar here, nothing I knew.

 _“But…you didn’t know me.”_ Ben had questioned when I told him this story years later.  _“How was I familiar to you, we’d barely even spoken?”  
“I don’t know,”  _ I’d admitted, smiling like an idiot.  _“It might have been the dreams, it might have been the Force bond, I don’t know.  But you were undeniably a source of comfort, especially when I had no idea where I was going or who was going to be dealing with me.”_

He smiled at that, blushing slightly as his thumb brushed over my knuckles.  My heart flutters a little at the memory, and I grin as I bite into the bread I forgot was in my hand.  “You’re blushing again, Rey,”  Jess points out, laughing a little, before she urges me to continue.

I don’t remember anything from the journey, except for the frightened glances I got from the Stormtroopers from time to time.  Up until then, I had assumed it was Kylo they were afraid of, but he wasn’t on board and they were still all so _scared_ …it was me.   They were afraid of me.  I got a strange sense of pride from that, knowing I could inflict such fear upon them, even without a weapon or any way of harming them.

Actually, I still had my blaster…I made a mental note to keep it hidden at all costs.  I assumed they would search me for weapons when I arrived on the Finalizer, but I held onto the hope that I’d manage to sneak it through.

I really didn’t have much else to hope for.  I felt sick to my stomach, not knowing what would happen to me, not knowing when I would be able to come home again.  I had never been more homesick for Ahch-To, yet more angry at Luke.  Maybe if we hadn’t spent almost an entire year working on _fucking breathing exercises_ I would have been able to sense the trap.

 _“There is no emotion, there is peace,”_ I mumbled aloud, closing my eyes and ridding myself of my anger.  I couldn’t afford to become angry, and thus vulnerable to Kylo’s attempts to turn me to the dark side.  Yet I was unable to hide the wicked grin as the Stormtrooper holding my arm quickly let go, taking a step away as if I was about to cast some awful spell.

 _“There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.”_   More uncomfortable shuffles of Stormtroopers, more not-so-discrete stepping away from me.  _“There is no passion, there is serenity.  There is no chaos, there is harmony.  There is no death…”_ The shuttle made a loud whining noise and a light flashed.  I felt my heart sink – it was dawning on me that this was real, this was serious and I was really in trouble now.  _“…there is the Force.”_

Jess raises her hand to stop me.  “Question: what is that…chant thing?”  
“The Jedi code?”  
“Yeah…like, what’s it for?”  
“It’s, like…the first thing you’re taught in Jedi training.  You can repeat it as a mantra to…I don’t know, calm you.”

Obviously, it didn’t calm me in the shuttle.  Not when my heart was racing, my palms sweating.  I could tell we were preparing to land – we were moving slower, the Stormtroopers seemed slightly calmer, and I was ready to vomit.  _Master Skywalker, if you can hear me then please, please help me…fuck!  Please, someone hear me!  Get me off this fucking station!_

Eventually, the shuttle ground to a halt, hissing slightly as everything stopped and the lights dimmed.  _HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!_ The ramp hissed as it slowly lowered, painfully sharp white light pouring into the dark interior of the ship and blinding me for a few seconds.  _“Move.”_

I was shoved forwards by one of the Stormtroopers, who I instinctively pushed back.  _“Watch it.”_   A female voice from behind me snapped - thankfully not Captain Phasma, who was presumably still on Coruscant with Hux.  And Kylo.

I tried not to think about him; I wasn’t sure if his return would be more comforting or terrifying, and I was still struggling to figure out why he felt so _safe_ in the first place.  He had more Jedi training than I did, plus years of dark side expertise, there was no reason for me to take comfort in his presence. 

But, for whatever reason, I did.

 _“Keep moving, Jedi.”_ The same voice ordered, nudging me forward and grabbing me by the arm as I tested my restraints.  Kylo Ren had ensured they were Force-proof, and I sighed in defeat as I was led through a hangar of ships into a corridor.

It was nearly identical to the interior of the Starkiller, polished and dark and artificial, too clean.  Not like the Resistance base at all, where plants grew over the walls and everything felt natural.  It just made me feel worse as I was marched through corridor after identical corridor.  I glanced around, counting the gleaming white helmets walking with me.  Five.  Five Stormtroopers for one prisoner. Four more than there normally would be.

Kylo was obviously expecting me to be more of a threat than I was.

 _“In there.”_ The female Stormtrooper in front of me mumbled, pointing with her gun to a small cell, barely large enough for the stone shelf I assumed was a bed.   
_“Really?”_  
 _“Do it.”_ One of the Stormtroopers behind me ordered, and I heard the click and buzz of a blaster, followed immediately by four more and a mumbled threat. I sighed and stepped forwards, only just passing the threshold of the room before the door slid shut and locked.


End file.
